Day 35

Easter Sunday. Warm Spring rain. There is a tradition at church of the children adding flowers to a wooden cross. It symbolizes life. The cross is carried outside for passers-by to enjoy. The Resurrection is basic to Christian religions. I feel that every morning when I wake up is a personal resurrection, a chance to do a better job of living my life. I can sort out the actions and choices that I want and intend to accomplish.

Day 34

I was reminded yesterday of how much I loved miniatures when I was a child. There is something special about having small treasures, a handful of items that represent the large world. I had a doll house and played with it for years. I had a book of wallpaper samples and would repaper the rooms until the walls were thick. I loved the tiny tea set and would converse with tiny guests. Where is that wonderful imagination now?

Day 33

Dancing with or without a partner, with or without music is one of my eleven commandments. Today when Credence Clearwater played Proud Mary, I was right back at the Yankee Lady in the 70’s dancing up a storm. I can still feel that experience even though I’m sure my dancing looks different in this older body. I love to dance around. The dogs watch with interest, maybe they would like to dance too. Good for the circulation too.

We have come to be danced

Not the pretty dance

Not the pretty pretty pick me, pick me dance

But the claw our way back into the belly

Of the sacred, sensual animal dance

The unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance

The holding the precious moment in the palms

Of our hands and feet dance.

We have come to be danced

Not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance

But the wring the sadness from our skin dance

The blow the chip off our shoulder dance

The slap the apology from our posture dance.

We have come to be danced

Not the monkey see, monkey do dance

One two dance like you

One two three, dance like me dance

But the grave robber, tomb stalker

Tearing scabs and scars open dance

The rub the rhythm raw against our soul dance.

We have come to be danced

Not the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle

But the matted hair flying, voodoo mama

Shaman shakin’ ancient bones dance

The strip us from our casings, return our wings

Sharpen our claws and tongues dance

The shed dead cells and slip into

The luminous skin of love dance.

We have come to be danced

Not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow end of the floor dance

But the meeting of the trinity, the body breath and beat dance

The shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance

The mother may I?

Yes you may take 10 giant leaps dance

The olly olly oxen free free free dance

The everyone can come to our heaven dance,

We have come to be danced

Where the kingdom’s collide

In the cathedral of flesh

To burn back into the light

To unravel, to play, to fly, to pray

To root in skin sanctuary

We have come to be danced

We have come.

Jewel Mathieson

Day 32

Made progress with the help of the Working Mouse. I can find things now that eluded me on my own. I’m more comfortable with the new Windows programs. Megan sent two books that are just right for prompts and getting stories down on paper. The plague of headaches continues to slow me down. Thankfully Imitrex injections take care of the worst of it. I want to be healthy and energetic. What do I need to do?

Day 31

Chris just left for a ten day silent meditation retreat. I have a twinge that I’m not pursuing new learning any longer. For years I was on the go to seminars, classes, retreats, workshops, gathering up everything I had room for in the journey toward self. Now I am content with finding joy in my daily life. It is elusive and requires attention. Negative thoughts creep in and disrupt my peace. Finding joy is lifelong process.

Day 30

Starting off the day with orchid care. It doesn’t take long to feed them and get them back on their shelves. I get to examine each one for signs of newness. I love finding new leaves, new air roots, and especially, new spikes. It’s the long day in my week, going from the senior center to the gallery. Different people to greet and talk with. I take my journal to the gallery. I like my routine.

Day 29

Monday and I’m hoping for a better energy week. All last week was revisiting the old symptoms of cold body, dull mind, non-existent motivation to move, slow thinking etc. The last episode was December. I want to know what brings it on and how I can prevent it or at least cope better. Finding the dogs’ water dish empty was startling and showed my lack of awareness. My goal is enjoying my choices in daily living.

Day 28

This morning Joel Osteen preached about paying attention to nudges and following through on them. It is a message I often give myself. If I can trust the small urgings then maybe I can be trusted with bigger ones. I call them God Things and I love them. I don’t wait for a blessing to come from them, the act is the blessing. I want to be open to the little invitations.

Day 27

Spent an hour on the phone with DirecTV on Thursday and another 1½ hours with the tech here yesterday. I’ve had trouble with them and will be happy when the contract runs out in August and I can go back to cable. I do watch too much TV. It is there when I’m tired and since I don’t read as voraciously as I once did, it provides stories although most of them are reruns. New day.

Day 26

About a month ago I asked Barbara to update the photo in the Senior News. The old one dates back to 2002. I want to show my present self. I have been making changes just for the sake of change. It helps me pay attention to inside shifts. I moved furniture in my bedroom and deep cleaned all the closet and drawers. The new computer and using a standard keyboard are part of the renewal process. 

Day 25

Flat yesterday. No plans worked. Achy head. No energy. Now and then there is a day like that. Watched Crystal clean my house as I sat with two dogs on my lap. The rain and wind made it OK to do nothing. New day. Up and ready for my duties, errands, and shopping. First day of Spring. Ran out and found the first pea sprout peeking out of the soil. I’m so ready for more daylight. 

Day 24

Yesterday I sat with my journal and thought about why the stories of the Prodigal Son and Mary and Martha bother me so much. My brother was given the fatted calf on the rare occasions that he showed up. I need to remember that I had the biggest share of time with my parents and they were wonderful grandparents. Bruce withheld his children. I felt that I was doing all the work and missing the fun.

Day 23

Unexpected guests bring Joy. Gene’s daughter, Leslie, appeared at the door. Gene was in the truck and wanted to say Hello. I sat with him a few minutes, holding his hands, and listening to his sadness. Every minute with him is a gift. Then Barbara and Linda appeared at the door. Wow, what a wonderful surprise. A brief visit but a full one, lots of warm hugs. People I love make the day a good one. 

Day 22

Full Sunday. Felt connected at church. Took the dogs for a long walk and then went to see the local talent in “Nine to Five.” They did a great job. It was fun and inspiring to hear the singing and the music from the orchestra. In my next life I want to be an actress! Today mundane matters come first: watering the orchids and taking the dogs to the groomer. The rest of it is open.

Day 21

Yesterday was fun with a dog walk in the rain. I looked for signs of Spring. The flowering trees are a delight to my eyes. I have two containers ready for kale and chard babies as soon as I can find them. I enjoy having fresh greens all year. I made a lettuce bowl for Hollie. The tiny new leaves already look like lettuce. Such is the miracle of life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Day 20

Rumi says, If you have light in your heart, you can find your home. In “Long Journey Home”, Os Guinness  quotes C. S. Lewis, wanting “the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never visited.” I feel that wanting too. I search for Joy. Instead of looking everywhere for it, I can find it in the simplicity and beauty of my everyday life.

Day 19

 

Finding my way around the new system slowly, but surely. Today I can take time to investigate and I will look for a Dummies book to help with the transition. The good news is that my mail system is the same one. My fingers miss the ergonomic keyboard and I can learn. Actually, I excited to learn new skills.  Then I can get on with more meaningful life experiences to save. Today is police department duty.

 

Day 18

Now I’m using the new computer and the learning curve is biting me. I can’t find word count and I’m not going to count them. Where is my tools icon? And using a standard keyboard after years of using the ergonomic version. I’ll figure it out because I want to do it well. Chris and Carol and I had tea and cookies, shared writing and poetry. We had a nature theme going on for a monthly get together.

Day 17

 

I went to visit my friend Gene. It was heartbreaking. This man who was always in motion is chairfast and miserable. He says he wants to be dead and buried.  I sat quietly and held his hand. Last summer when there was no garden, the end was in sight. He did get some fishing done with the help of his friend. I am so sorry to see him fail. I will visit regularly and offer what comfort I can.

Day 16

XP stands for expired. Today I will switch to Windows 7. And the dreaded learning curve. I take on new projects to keep my brain upgrading too. Called DirecTV yesterday and spent an hour getting the TV to work properly. My dread is worse than the actual effort. All the work in the tower will be deposited in the new one. I deleted 30 old essays that are not relevant and e-mails that I saved and don’t need.

Day 15

Today is Hollie’s 56^th birthday. Always reminds of the day she was born on a dark and stormy early morning. Alone, except for my Divine Spark, her birth was the miracle of the ages. She was so alert and strong, picked her head up and looked me in the eyes, I know the message was, “You, again.” Her first hour of life was just for us. Couldn’t have had that experience without the help of our unseen friends.

From a prompt I wrote ten years ago. Through the eyes of someone...

How do I begin to tell you about my mother’s place in my life?  I will begin at the beginning when she was 22 and alone and I was born.  She and I bonded for at least an hour until my father came home and found us.  We have been bonded ever since that magic time. I could never understand when my friends complained about their mothers, even in high school when dissing mothers was what girls did, I had nothing to say. It’s not that I think she’s perfect, because she certainly isn’t, it’s because I know that she always does the best she can under whatever circumstances are there to cope with or manage. We went through some distressing times while growing up and changing and I always knew that I could depend on being safe and cared for. Once when I had a nasty shock from my first serious boyfriend, she caught me just as I was going out the door carrying my stuffed rabbit, not knowing where I was going or what I was doing.  She simply got in front of the door and held me while I cried and cried.  She didn’t ask me what was the matter.  She took care that I didn’t do anything rash and that I knew how much she loved me.

We’ve had so many big laughs, warm hugs, funny memories and we take those out and cherish them when we need to feel the connection.  Like when my daughter, Megan, was born and she persuaded the hospital to help recreate my birth by staying in the labor room with dim lights and no noise. It was against standard operating procedures and she made it happen because that’s what I wanted. My mother is a walking lesson plan.  When she comes to my classroom to volunteer, I know I can sit down and take care of details or rest.  She will charm the children and enrich their day. They love her so much and so do I.

I could write this for an hour touching on some of the peaks and valleys of both of our lives.  We are bonded and although we keep boundaries so that we each have our own lives, I feel her constantly.

Day 14

Day 14

Susanne called. “There is a movie you would like.” OK. Off we walked to see Quartet and yes, I liked it a lot. What a pleasure to see gray hair and wrinkles portrayed with such love of life and joy. The music was wonderful and fit the cast, the scenery and the overall sense of companionship, history, and talent. Makes me proud of my years and my place in life. Followed by a scrumptious visit to Thai House.

Day 13

The backyard is calling. This respite from the rain is welcome. The green onions are coming up as is the lettuce. I like container gardening. I’ll look for chard and kale babies. Today the net will go up for the pea vines to climb on. The dirt is ready for digging and pulling weeds. My father liked to see dirt under my fingernails. I swear I can smell his cigar smoke when I’m gardening. He’s still watching me.

Day 12

My Lights were on yesterday. Felt healthy to be present and accept the positive responses that came my way. I asked Steven to teach crocheting to the second graders and his Lights came on. Found eight skeins of yarn in the gift shop for two dollars. Showed my blog book to Tracy and her Lights came on. I was keeping the commandment to make people feel better because of our interaction. The up feelings lasted all day long.

Day 11

Message to Megan: It’s almost impossible to feel lonely or depressed when counting your blessings. Visualize the facets of your life that make you grateful and feel the thankfulness fill you. Thank your creative spark that makes your home unique. I know what you can do with what you have. Your new apartment is a blank canvas. Cuddle Jada, feel her purr with the pleasure of love. Thank your positive intentions. I need to heed my words too. 

Day 10

It was a perfect day. Everything fit in time and space. The shopping and the lunch were just as we wanted and Hollie was back with time to spare for her retirement appointment. All’s well with us. I am grateful to have Hollie and Megan close geographically and emotionally. Rob Breszny’s timely message was about finding a personal religion by choosing a name for “God” and extracting meaningful rituals and beliefs from all religions. Mine is Divine Spark.

PS

If I were called to construct a religion, I would not force an old man to climb a mountain in a storm and come back with a bunch of negatively worded laws on super heavy stones. I would choose the commandments given to Zipporah, the wife of Moses, by the Goddess, the Divine Spark, during a quiet visit by a serene pond while both sipped fragrant tea from eggshell thin china cups.

1 – Thou shalt revere all life from the tiniest spider to the most magificent tree.

2 – Thou shalt create at least one random act of kindness each day.

3 – Thou shalt use these words each day: I love you, Thank you, I’m sorry.

4 – Thou shalt see through human facades with compassion.

5 – Thou shalt grow or visit a garden whenever possible and breathe deeply

6 - Thou shalt support and encourage all you meet and leave them feeling better than when you met.

7 – Thou shalt think with your own mind and hold your integrity.

8 – Thou shalt sing and dance with or without a partner or music.

9 – Thou shalt recycle everything.

10-Thou shalt find some bit of humor in every situation and smile often.
11-Thou shalt enjoy silence each day.

And the Goddess would instruct Zipporah to ask for directions so the sojourn in the wilderness would last only a few days.

Day 9

I’m setting aside the spiritual growing pains today in favor of a day with Hollie and Megan. We have fun together. It is a respite from routine. Hollie is planning to use her sick leave days before she retires. We have a Costco list, a Kokopilau list, the menu for lunch is already set, and let the laughing begin. I have new bones for the dogs so they will be OK for eight hours. I’m ready to go.

Day 8

I know that spiritual connections do not necessarily mean religious connections. I’m ambiguous about church membership. I need to define what I deeply want. I feel homesick for a place I’ve never been, nostalgic for events that didn’t happen, lonely for people I have not met. New feelings are roiling around looking for an outlet or at least a name. Pace around. Feel needy. I want peace and belonging. Is this the chaos that comes just before clarity?


Hi sweetie. From my iPad at home. I loved your blog today and yesterday.
The questions of meaning, where to find it, how to go deeper. Tomorrow at Friends of Jung we're exploring our spiritual practices, however we define that. Wish you were close enough to be part of this exciting conversation. It's Jungian, your quest for meaning. This thought was that this is the natural quest of folks of a certain age. 
We recommended to the group Robert Johnson's Inner Work. Megan probably can snag you a copy at her bookstore. It's got a Jungian approach to spiritual practices, like dreamwork, ritual, amplification of dream images. 
I know what you mean by the challenges of church. I want to be deeply reached and touched there — community not committee. Seems like most church language is about committee and "what have you done for me lately?"
It was in my church, the UU Fellowship, where the service did just what I needed and I surrendered to the knowledge I had to retire this year -- or die.
Anyhow, I continue to love your blog.
And you.
Barb=

Day 7

I returned to church in September promising myself six months to find a place there or not. I felt the pull during a depressed and unwell period. I am honestly looking at membership. It is a tiny congregation, mainly older women, who clean the church, cook for the homeless, or sit on committees. I don’t want to do that. I want to go to services and feel a connection with God. I need to belong or leave again.

Day 6

At the PD I see and hear the dark side of my community. The shadow that lives in all of us is displayed with the ripple effect on everyone. I see the resources converge to improve the situations. I may be there to own and integrate my dark shadow. I know there is a light shadow capable of higher deeds. I want it integrated too. In the middle, I explore it all knowing that as above, so below.

Day 5

The art lesson with the second graders was soul-satisfying. I gave eight kids the project and they each taught it to two of their classmates. It was lines, white spaces, colored spaces, and zen-tangles. Watching the dynamics was precious. There was the hum that signals the right combination of interest, ability, and material. Since Hollie is retiring at the end of the year, this is my last chance to be part of teaching too. My career finally ends.

Here is my March column for Senior News.

Pets. One of my favorite subjects since I live with three dogs who make great housemates. My 23 orchids are pets too. I call them my orch-kids. They take time and care and reward me with beauty. I also have pet projects and pet peeves.

Most communities have public land that is undeveloped. There are groups of residents who have needs and wants that can be satisfied by creating new uses for the land. Look around and make a plan for the enrichment of your community.

Crescent City is planning new uses for Beachfront Park. So far it houses the swimming pool, horseshoe courts, picnic area, disc golf stations, and Kid Town. After a year of planning and gathering together tools, materials, and volunteers, Kid Town was built in a week! It shows what can be accomplished when people work together to a common goal.

There is no place at this time for dogs to socialize and run around free of leashes. A dog park would require fencing, benches, water and many trash disposals containers. There would be rules for keeping it safe and clean for our dogs. I know three dogs that would enjoy it immensely.

There are people who would like to build a labyrinth on the property. They know how much land they need, the amount of grading, fencing, surfacing so handicapped people could use it, benches, plantings for a meditation garden, and maintenance would go along with it. A place for contemplation and enjoying nature would serve many people.

One pet project of mine is getting people involved in the life of the community. As a volunteer, I know the benefits of being part of daily life here. Many non-profit organizations who serve many would not survive without volunteers. Everyone had an hour or two to donate to a cause that means something personal to them.

My pet peeve is drivers who don’t stop for pedestrians. They drive by as if I’m not standing there at the crosswalk. I have boldly pointed to the lines that are there for my safety and have been rewarded with obscene gestures or rude words. I do it anyway. The law says pedestrians have the right of way and that means any time a foot goes off the curb, regardless of the lack of a crosswalk, the driver must stop until the foot is safely on the opposite curb. It’s the law!

So pets are not necessarily four-footed animals, or fish, or birds. They can be actions and ideas. What are your pets? Find a group of like minded friends and plan a development in your community.