Day 65

Tut: “Talking a lot about something that bothers you is a pretty good sign that you’ve got something huge and profoundly liberating to learn if you can catch yourself, turn within, and yearn for illumination.” True for me right now. Both the prayer life and the need to change eating habits are foremost on my mind. I give myself the month of May to move toward vegan diet, June to experience benefits, and July to learn contemplative prayer.

Day 64

Father David and I talked. I will take contemplative prayer lessons later. It was the first time we had a talk that wasn’t simply social and I felt understood. Today I will distribute Senior News and catch up on housework. It’s sunny and the wind is blowing but I will get out for a walk with the dogs. I need exercise and walking is the way to get started again. I want to do the physical therapy exercises.

Day 63

The dogs found a rotten board and pushed their way into the neighbor’s yard. They were quick to come back when I called them. I guess freedom wasn’t as much fun as they thought it would be. There are plenty of reasons to stay where it is safe and protected in spite of the draw to the unknown. I pushed the board back in place and secured it. There was a time when I went out and explored.

Day 62

There was pizza at the PD but I wanted one with healthy ingredients. Kale, black olives, green onions, tomatoes, chicken, tomato paste, cheese, and a basil and garlic crust. Good dinner. Today is a catch up day with shopping and errands. The guest house needs a quick dust and vacuum. Want to write about my relationship with church before the talk with Father David tomorrow. I found a Mary Oliver poem that says what I want to say.

The Eucharist

Something has happened to the bread and the wine.

They have been blessed. What now? The body leans forward to receive the gift from the priest’s hand, then the chalice.

They are something else now from what they were before this began.

I want to see Jesus, maybe in the clouds or on the shore, not walking, beautiful man and clearly someone else besides.

On the hard days I ask myself if I ever will.

Also there are times my body whispers to me that I have.

Day 61

Computer now unstuck thanks to Mark, the frontier tech. One message wouldn’t download and the whole e-mail system failed. I had 53 posts to read and now web mail instead of outlook. My headache went away too so today I’m looking forward to a busy day. I want to find the lumps of pizza dough that Hollie told me about and create a nutritious and fun dinner after the police department duty. Chicken, mushrooms, and spinach sound good.

Day 60

I can’t receive e-mail. Yesterday the error message came up and I spent time trying to contact Frontier for help. Didn’t get through. The password that I have for the Frontier mailbox didn’t work and I couldn’t find help there either. Lots of rude, no help. Today the local tech will see what he can do to fix it. I miss the connection with the outside world. Reading e-mail is part of the ritual for beginning the day.

Day 59

The day went as expected. The unexpected was the beautiful weather. It was the first warm day and we enjoyed it. We sang Happy Birthday to Megan at the restaurant and everybody joined in. She turned a lovely shade of red. I ate ice cream with the chop sticks I saved from eating the Klamath roll complete with wasabi and ginger. It was a precious time. The trip showed spring is here. I love the new green leaves.

Day 58

Off to Eureka to spend the day with Megan and celebrate her 30^th birthday. We have our usual agenda: Cosco to fill her list and lunch at Gonsea. It’s a ritual that we enjoy. I like breaking the routine and doing something that isn’t new but is refreshing. I love every minute of being with Hollie and Megan. I know that I’m fortunate to have them close. Chris would love to have Lily and Emma closer than Texas.

Day 57

Father David invited a talk. Instead of repeating my feelings in a monologue, I might achieve clarity in dialogue. I gave myself six months to find a place and it has been seven months. What’s true for me is that I deeply want a spiritual connection. The alchemy, the changing of bread and wine into body and blood, gives me a second of knowing that transformation through spirit is possible. I feel like I’m banging on the door.

Day 56

Laughing made a difference. It’s not possible to stay in blah mode and laugh. I found a TV program called Forever Young. It matches under 30 year olds with over 70 years olds and gives them tasks. The interaction is not only amusing, it is downright engaging. I do a good job of being an up-to-date older person. One gap between the generations is technology. I may not be as fluent as a youngster and I keep learning.

Day 55

Shall I write blah blah blah 78 times? That’s where my mood is today. My “wants” are not within my current capabilities. When a day starts with an injection to dull a migraine, then the only way to go is up. Where is my singing and dancing self? Even restricting news and putting my attention on the lilac tree with its very first blossoms hasn’t lifted the cloud yet. I cancelled a birthday party. No energy for socializing.

Day 54

The chaos in the world comes close. Megan’s college was shut down due to a bomb threat. She chose to go to the beach, run in the sand, breathe the fresh air and celebrate life. I keep my thoughts on what I can add to the community rather than what I can’t fix. Volunteering is how I “brighten the corner” where I am. I look forward to being out with people who are like-minded and ready to serve.

Day 53

I went to Brookings by phone. Talked to Judy and caught up that way. It was one of those days when my mind was more active than my body could follow. So, it was OK to stay in the comfort zone. I did pull weeds around the lemon trees and make good food. I want physical energy so I can follow where my mind leads. Need to boost myself up and going. I want to find zoom power.

Day 52

Yesterday was social at the center and at the gallery. Lots of chit-chat and deeper conversations. I enjoyed both. Wrote on prompts from Life Is A Verb. I do like the spur offered by prompts. Today the dogs are going to the vet for ears, toenails and anal glands. I will shop and hope to catch up with Judy, Kim’s neighbor and good friend. I don’t want to lose track of her. Time goes by way too fast.

Day 51

The Haiku poster is half finished and there is room for the next 15 days. It’s an exercise that I am enjoying plus adding color helps. My energy was great yesterday after a slump of several days and welcome. Caught up on errands and house stuff plus two walks in the wind. Today is routine, senior center duty and gallery time. When Eileen closes the gallery, I will look around for a place where I work with people. 

Day 50

Quiet weekend and another Monday. I’m thinking ahead to the activities for this week and wondering what new place I can find. I’m on the lookout for new people, new uses of my skills, learning new skills. Like the redwood that needs to keep growing, I have to keep my brain cells snapping if I’m going to have a productive aging process. I see too many people who are content in a rut. I’m not one of them.

Day 49

Even though it is still cold at night, my container gardens are doing well. Onions are pickable, spinach, lettuce, and curly kale are doing fine, peas are out of the ground. I asked Julie Jo if I could get some dino kale starts for another container. I can go to the farm in a couple of weeks. I’d like rainbow chard babies too. I can have fresh greens all year. If the wind would stop, I’d get outside.

Day 48

The Haiku project is going along nicely. None that shout for sharing but nice, none the less. When I choose a Tarot card, I ask, “What do I need to know today?” It is another writing discipline and I like feeling my mind searching for words that fit the pattern. Every day when I add a Haiku, I also add an embellishment to the poster. It’s a tribute to spring colors and sunshine. Today I will pull weeds.

Day 47

A couple of the boys hit the wall yesterday. The eyes glaze and the posture sags.  The hand-eye co-ordination necessary for crochet takes time and practice. They can quit. We’ll see next week. On the other hand, a couple of the girls suddenly had lights go on and their chains increased. The left-handed help for Lauren was great. All I had to do was ask and there was the help. I need to remember that asking pays off.

Day 46

Barbara Clark sent me her newest collage. I want to make one. One of my old ones is here on the wall. Playing with Black and White. I made it to remind myself that all of us have two sides and integrating them is one of life’s work processes. One thing I love about my Tarot cards is the collage art. There is so much to see and the mind picks out the part that triggers current thoughts. 

Day 45

Read and wrote at the gallery. It is a pleasant place to sit and the traffic is interesting when I need to rest my eyes. Today I’m looking forward to J Street Journals at Carol’s. My two poet friends bring deep and thoughtful words. I had a welcome phone call from a left-handed crocheter who will come tomorrow to coach Lauren. It is fun to watch the kids learn a new and complicated skill. Life is good.

Day 44

Busy day coming up beginning before 8 with a trip to the foot doctor followed by the eye doctor. From top to toe and then off to duty at the senior center and the art gallery. I have new bones for the dogs. I’m going to sprinkle benedryl on Della’s bone to calm and keep her from neurotic attacks on the waste baskets. She came with abandonment issues and I wish she would realize that she is safe.

Day 43

I found a just right prompt: Find a role model in nature. I’ll add it at the end of this entry. I enjoyed church yesterday. Asked for the laying on of hands to restore JOY to my being. When I have a long stretch of the less than healthy symptoms, joy is what I miss most. I believe in group energy and intention. The ritual does make a difference at least in my acceptance of my health status.

Today’s prompt is Find a Role Model in the Natural World. My response was immediate; A Redwood Tree.  The Redwood tree has no tap root.  It is bound to the Earth by a root wad, the many connections that intertwine and support growth.  The tree actually stands by its own weight.  Redwoods love fog and rain and cannot live away from the Coast. Redwood is almost impervious to pests and tree diseases. The tree can continue to grow as long as it can pump water to the top. Not having a slick trunk, much of the water is transmitted through it shaggy bark. Only when gravity forces the tree to generate more energy than it has, does the tree begin to die.  It takes a lot of energy to get water to over 330 feet in the air!

I have no deep roots and many interwoven connections, some more on the surface than others.  Some are old and strong bonds that support my life. I cannot imagine trying to live in a place where I could not go to the ocean every day.  I love fog on my skin and even though I get tired of days of rain, I would not trade it for any other weather. I too feel that I must either grow or begin to die. Instead of gravity, I must fight routine, old patterns, and being in the past or the future. I have stood on my own for most of my life. I never thought I would spend most of my life alone, but that is what I have created. And I still feel that I am standing with others, close enough to touch, and to lend shelter and protection. I have a rough exterior at times. I never did get the hang of feminine presentation.  I have always been a kind of casual tomboy. I can’t say that I have the spiritual aura that the trees give, and I know that I share wisdom whenever I have some. I want to stand tall no matter what’s going on around me, be it buffeting from political weather, attacks of illness, hard going, loneliness, or stress. I do let pests get to me sometimes. I would like to find a way to emulate the Redwood and not let them bother me.

When I am through with the lifetime, I want my ashes spread around the base of a Redwood tree.  I want to feel that my minerals will add to the tree’s health and therefore, I will become part of one of the magnificent forest beings.

Day 42

April is poetry month and I have written a Haiku using a Tarot pick as a prompt each day so far. Haiku is a brain exercise. Once the process begins, my mind makes poems about everything. Today I may make a poster of them with a Spring theme. Attending Church and making the bed in the guest house are the activities. I haven’t done much personal writing except journal entries. Need a nature essay for J street Journals.

Day 41

After my massage yesterday, I came home and dozed until bedtime. I was so relaxed that I wanted to keep the feeling as long as possible. My body asked for a smorgasbord of modalities from Karen: reiki, reflexology, deep tissue, cranial sacral, nearly all of her bag of tricks. I prize her intuitive process. Today, the finishing touches on the guest house. Leo is coming to set up the computer and I will do a last minute dusting.

Day 40

It was intense with eight kids wanting attention. Steve was surprised that boys caught on quicker than girls. Left-handed Lauren had trouble because it was hard to translate the moves. She was so excited about learning that her smile never left. Next week we will go back and do it again. Today is police department duty. I hope it’s not intense. Last week I was so stressed that I had to buy potato chips on the way home.

Day 39

First I wrote a haiku about volunteering, then went to the party and won two prizes! Should have stopped for a lottery ticket but wanted to be home. I like the RSVP get-togethers because all the volunteers are there. I do get to visit with most stations when I distribute the Senior News. Today Steve Turley is going to Pine Grove with to begin crochet lessons with Hollie’s responsible kids. This will be fun to watch and help.

Day 38

Crystal finished the guest house and it looks the way it is supposed to look. Glad to get the mess out of there. It is a comfortable nest and the disrespect was painful to witness. Today I will take the computer there and get it set up. I will scrub on the counters and get the beeswax/mineral oil concoction rubbed in. Hopefully it will come back to its good looks. RSVP is hosting a volunteer reception this afternoon.

Day 37

It was a productive day with progress to show for it. Today, after the senior center duty, I’m taking my journal to the gallery. There are prompts in Patti Digh’s book, Life Is a Verb, that I want to pursue. I enjoy her example stories and want to write my own. When flashes of memory come, I need to write them or they fade back into the dusty corners of my mind. Everyone’s life is an interesting story.

Day 36

Lots of errands today. First distribute the Senior News. That generally turns out to be a social event. Then lots  more cleaning in the guest house. Samantha left a mess. I’m disappointed that she did. She kept telling me how much she enjoyed living there and it doesn’t look like she appreciated it at all. Tomorrow Crystal will do the floors and shampoo the carpet. All clean and fresh for the next guest. Need to pull weeds too.

April column for Senior News

April is the time for seed catalogs, preparing the spaces for flowers and vegetables, making trips to nurseries and plant departments, dreaming of warmer nights and sunnier days. Spring fever. We choose carefully so the seeds will thrive in our climate. What we plant, care for, weed, feed, and water is what we sow. Sometimes an unintentional plant will show up. We say, ‘Where did that come from?’ We call them weeds and pluck them out.

Words are seeds too. We need to think about what they will produce when we say them. They can produce beauty like poetry. They can inform like newspapers. They can entertain like fictional stories. Or like weeds, they can interfere with the growth and self-confidence of the listener. When I was a teacher, I had to tell students that words could be lethal weapons. Bullying is an example of the misuse of words and the serious harm that is inflicted. We humans seem to remember the negative word experiences much longer than the positive ones. And yet a kind or softly spoken word can change the listener’s day, or self image, fluff up self-esteem, and give encouragement.

Even in an argument, it is possible to use civil and decent language. We can say our truth, our viewpoint, in supportive, loving, and encouraging words that give room for mutual understanding. Shouting and sulking, and needing to be right, are not nourishing to any relationship. It’s like spreading weed seeds without thought. It is not possible to take words back once they are out of our mouths. No amount of apologies heal the feelings left behind. Our mothers told us if we couldn’t say something nice, to say nothing at all. There is a time for holding ones tongue.

My container garden is already producing green onions and lettuce. The onions are in an old dishpan with a hole in the bottom. The lettuce is in a planter inside. It’s small enough so I can move it around. Soon the kale and chard will flourish in their pots too. The blueberry bushes are budding as are the neighbors’ apple trees. We have a climate that is friendly to many plants. It is unique in that way. Plants can thrive in fog and rain as long as the sun comes out often. So, as I enjoy watching the growth of my chosen plants, I will carefully choose my words to be sure that what I mean is what I say.