Day 341

The senior news will be on the porch by 7:30 and I will be ready to distribute 410 copies around the town. I enjoy my paper route as it usually turns into a social occasion at the stops such as the gift shop at the hospital and St. Vinnie’s. I like my column and will include it tomorrow. I did not go to the church Epiphany dinner. I’m not ready to share the table with the homeless men. 

Day 340

Did nothing yesterday. It may be time to put the symptoms together and admit to depression. I feel overwhelmed by the physical problems, the osteo is  product of the blood donations too. I get a heavy feeling from all the years I have not been well, all the doc visits, tests etc as a result of my own actions. I feel old, frail, and bordering on useless. I guess it’s time to fight the good fight. I will.

Day 339

Still waiting for a call to clear up the incorrect 1099 IRS form from the traveling nurse service. I don’t want to pay taxes on income I didn’t earn. An hour on the phone, on hold, and being transferred and a promise to call back that hasn’t happened yet. If I can find a long term person to live in the guest house, I would stop housing travelers. I don’t need much income and I don’t need aggravation.

Day 338

I get to catch up with Susanne today. She will come over and we will decide where to have lunch. I have some cleaning chores first. I’m actually enjoying keeping my house neat using five minute housekeeping that I learned from Alice years ago. Just five minutes in each room each day and that’s almost enough. There are chores that take more than five minutes. I save those to do on the same day. Then a leisurely visit.

Day 337

Rain is in the forecast. It’s been a long dry spell. We aren’t affected locally and it is an issue for most of the state. I’m looking forward to hearing it and seeing the trees clean up from their dusty selves. I did wear my weights all day yesterday except for church. I like the idea that the weights alone can strengthen my bones. I’m wondering if the iron depletion has anything to do with the bone loss.

Day 336

We saw August: Osage County and had late lunch at Wing Wah. The movie was full of wonderful acting in a strange play about family secrets and outcomes. We were hoping for a light movie, maybe a romantic comedy. This was not. It was worth the time. Both of us had lots to talk through after it. Our family certainly had dysfunctions and secrets but probably not more than any other family. Today, after church, a good walk.

Day 335

Yesterday I was stuck in place. A day off now and then is OK. I feel that I was integrating the new health issue and the complication with the iron thing. Aging and mortality are in the headlights. I do cope well however, and today I will bravely step out again wearing five pound ankle weights and one and a half pound wrist weights to help bone strength. Hollie and I are going to a movie and lunch.

Day 334

Tonda called just as I was leaving for the senior center. She had serious news. The bone scan showed osteoporosis and treatment needs to start now. It will interfere with the iron process. I felt discouraged and tired. At the center, I was working  when the staff came and stood there singing Happy Birthday and holding a cake.  They thought it was my birthday. I said next month and everybody giggled. It brightened my whole day. Good cake.

  

Day 333

I’m mentally restless. I need an engaging creative project that will fit within my energy limits. Now, how do I find it? I know I’m getting healthier when I start looking for stimulation and newness. I have said that I don’t want a new volunteer placement until April, after the next blood test and assessment of the iron restoration process. I have thought about going back to the visitor’s center. I enjoyed the tourists’ stories. An interesting time.

Day 332

Still thinking about being wise and aging. Sometimes I am shocked at how naïve I am. I trust too soon and in spite of being slapped around by trusting, I know I will do it again. I would rather believe that people are essentially good than live with suspicion. I know there are people who have taken advantage of my belief and I can’t fault them. Today I will enjoy being who I am and do my best.

Day 331

Rob Brezney’s horoscope asks me to wonder what I will be like when I’m old and wise. I am old and wise appears by magic when I least expect it. Wise is sharing words that describe experience along with outcomes to people who aren’t there yet. Wise is about learning something new every day about how people operate and how the world works. I know wise thirty year olds and clueless folks my age. I have time to mellow.

Day 330

I’m beginning to enjoy being home more than my volunteer days away. I don’t get lonely. I may miss conversation a bit as the dogs aren’t very good at verbal communication. They are experts in other forms however, and I get their messages loud and clear. When Minnie’s feet hit the floor in the morning, the next step is to the food dish. I pour her food all over the floor to slow down her rate of intake.

Day 329

Yesterday was rest and relaxation day. Don’t know why I need rest and I enjoyed doing nothing. I did put a chicken in the slow cooker and smell the lemon, garlic, and ginger that were accompanying the chicken. Now I can pick out the meat and bones and make soup, my favorite part of the process. May get a walk later if the breeze is warm. I like days with no agenda. Maybe a spontaneous activity will happen.

Day 328

I have such respect for Sarah Caron, a single mother with a special needs child, who works diligently to improve life for herself and Rylan. Sarah Asbury has the same drive to improve living standards for her two children. Both Sarah’s used education and boldness to get what they needed: Sarah Caron went to massage school, Sarah Asbury went to police academy. Now Sarah Caron wants to become a sign language interpreter and needs more education. Go Girls!

Day 327

Today I’ll use the Tigger bounce to paint the outside of the sunporch. It looks weathered and I can protect it before the rains begin, whenever that may be. It looks dry for another week. As much as I’m enjoying the sun, it is a worry to have the rivers so low and no snow on the hills. Then I’m going to Sarah’s new house for a massage that I need due to all the wonderful cleaning energy. 

Day 326

Two good days in a row! Kind of a record of improved energy. Whatever changed, I’m all for it. I will enjoy every minute of the ability to follow through with intentions. Today is senior center duty followed by a long walk with the dogs. This weather brings a demand to be outside and soak up the sun’s warmth. I washed the outside windows and front porch. Used the new ladder to wash the skylight in the sunporch.

Day 325

Did all the above yesterday including a walk and a spa. Felt good all day. Today I have other house tasks and the high spot will be going to Tai Chi with Hollie. I am so happy that we found a weekly date since we don’t share school any longer. I like her company. We’d be friends even if we weren’t related. Since the weather is still so mild and warm, another good long walk will happen too.

Day 324

A day with no external agenda. Lots of internal needs. I have promised to clean the porches since all the stuff is gone. I want a row of bricks along the house side of the sunporch to cover the sloppy job the foundation workers left and bricks hold heat. It could make a difference in the house. The back porch needs cleaning although Kelle took care of the top of the sauna. The front porch windows need washing.

Day 323

Linda Ging called. She’s the chair of the Chamber of Commerce. She wants me to come back to work there. I did enjoy my time there until a rude director made it impossible for me to stay. I don’t have to stay anywhere that I am not respected. Linda and I have a long history of service together. I may consider it in April as I expect to feel healthier by then. And there’s a new director. Maybe.

Day 322

I walked to the museum just before the rain started again. Same on the walk home. I was just inside both doors when the sky opened up. The ocean was roaring. We only had one couple visiting and they raved about our wonderful collection. Today the Christmas decorations come down in church. It will look bare after that. I have no agenda for the rest of the day except to finish the senior news article. It’s almost there.

Day 321

The party was fun. I sat with people I like. A bunch of the guests were not volunteers and that was a surprise. My first gift was a glass cat, someone took it, then a candle, someone took it, and finally I opened a glass box and I kept it. Today, in this storm, I’m working at the museum for a few hours with Rick Bennett, my favorite guy. I doubt we will have many or any visitors. 

Day 320

Today is the volunteer party at the senior center. It will be pizza and an exchange of white elephant gifts. I’m not a keeper of unused items so I had to look hard for something to take. I found a full length yellow apron. I don’t know where it came from, probably a gift years ago. It is definitely a white elephant. The only apron I ever wear is one that Jane made for me way back when.

Day 319

The rain is very refreshing. It’s been a long dry spell for our usually wet area. The trees are dust free and everything looks clean. It’s not as much fun to walk the dogs in the rain and we will manage to get out at least briefly. Today is senior center duty. I’m looking forward to going. Maybe it will be interesting again. It seems to depend on who shows up. Or if I have a positive attitude.

Day 318

I did a happy dance when the garbage truck took away all the stuff in the container. Felt good to have the stuff from the garden shed gone. Then Daily Bread people came and took the stuff out of the sun porch and I did another happy dance. I have spaces when I had clutter. I am loyal to Daily Bread since they helped me when Kim died by cleaning out his apartment when I was so needy.

Day 317

Yesterday the center was fun. Lots of laughing and good contacts. Some days it’s a drag so the energy was a delightful change. The new year is starting with positive changes and I want to make it happen often. I know that my attitude has a lot to do with how I perceive the atmosphere. Today, after a quick trip around the floors with the dust mop, I will shop for vegs and fruit. Back to good eating.

Day 316

I’m loving my home! Interesting how small changes in things I already have, have made a cozier and warmer look to the living room. I love the glow from the blossom lamp against the wooden shutters. The configuration of furniture adds to the quality of easy conversation that I have wanted. I’m glad Kelle took the blue rocker. She wanted it for a long time and the space it left changed everything. There is a lesson here.

Day 315

I’m so relieved that the holiday hype is over. I find it abrasive and avoided any store except to run for fresh food. I wish our culture would celebrate more often instead of saving up for one big blast of commercialism. I’d like birthdays to be a big thing. Then there would be special occasions all year long. Maybe we could start a trend. I do enjoy the season changing days, the equinoxes and solstices. It’s my pagan side.

Day 314

More sorting today. I’m on a roll. Kelle’s visit helped me see what needs to be done. Interesting how I can walk by stuff every day and a new person sees what is really there! Should have company more often. I’d keep things simpler. Yesterday I worked in the little yard for a while sweeping and raking what’s left of the leaves. It is much cleaner without the trees and some dead branches need to be whacked off.

Day 313

My ferretin score is higher. It was 7 in August and up to 39 in December.  A long way to restoration. That would be over 100, preferably around 200. So it’s beans, greens, and grains, and protein for a long time to come. I can stick to the food as medicine plan when I see progress. I feel better compared to last summer when I was flat. The walks and enjoyment of the outdoors helps mood and body.

Boyd wrote about his depression and reminded me to tell this story:

I felt a chill and put on a long sleeved shirt.  Still cold, I put on two pairs of socks.  Then I added a sweater, long pants, a sweat shirt, a jacket, an overcoat, a lap robe, and went to bed with extra blankets. I could feel nothing and I could not move.  As I lay there immobile, I worried about everything and everybody I could.  Anxiety grew.  I found it difficult to remember what I was worrying about and it became impossible to communicate and certainly, it was impossible to initiate any solutions.  Little by little, I had limited my world until I could not drive out of town, make plans, or deviate from the well-used pattern of activities.  By turning down social invitations, I essentially cut myself off from friends and fun. I lost and misplaced many items, and checked the calendar a hundred times to be sure I wasn’t forgetting an appointment.

 Then I went for the annual physical exam.  The doctor told me something was wrong with my heart and lungs.  I was huffing and puffing at the tiniest exertion and my pulse was erratic.  Suddenly, I was nothing but a pile of fear and isolation. 

I had enough life force left to call a friend and ask for the telephone number of a therapist.  At the first appointment, the therapist named my condition as post traumatic stress disorder.  It was the result of unresolved grief.  Years of saying “Oh well” and moving on without giving the losses any attention.  Grief does not go away by itself.  It deserves to be cared for and given tools so that it can go into history and not stay in the present. 

There is no point in enumerating my losses.  They are the ordinary misfortunes that are part of the human condition: people, places, things, physical well-being, opportunities, beliefs, and self-confidence.  Our language is full of platitudes about loss.  I was told to “Hang in there”, to “Roll with the punches”, to “Get over it”, to “Move on”.  Unfortunately, this advice had no recipes attached and I was so numb by then that I could not see or hear from under the dozens of layers that I had applied to myself in defense.  Some people are so full of grief that they cannot eat.  I was so empty that I could not get full.  Thirty pounds later, I was aware of trying to get back to wholeness by stuffing myself with food.  The biggest loss was my sense of humor.  I love to laugh and find the funny side to life.  When the tears won’t come, neither will the bellylaughs.  The senses are not selective.  I could not say to myself, “I won’t feel pain” without wiping out the ability to feel joy.  So I chose the gray area with very low highs and very high lows.  It is hard on mind, body, and spirit to live in the neutral zone.  I am so grateful to the part of me that wants to live well, robustly, and vigorously that pushed me into saying out loud that I could not do it by myself.  I needed a hand up, a guide back to a healthy mental outlook, another chance to fully participate in daily living without carrying around a ton of ghosts and goblins on my back. Imagine my delight the first time I had real tears, felt excited, looked for something new to do, and drove by myself out of town.  Life does go on, with a little help from our friends, prayerfully accepting help, and professional guides.

Day 312

Kelle is all packed up and will drive straight through to Long Beach. It has been a good visit and she did get away from her work and family stresses. The house will seem empty without her activity. Today is senior center duty and mammogram. Back to routine and that includes daily walking. I want to take full advantage of this unseasonably warm dry weather. It was a productive start to 2014, the year to make things happen.

Day 311

We did empty and reassemble the shed. I’m glad for her help. She painted the window frames that I’ve been putting off since last summer. Last night was quiet. Usually someone fires off a shotgun and fireworks but if there was noise, I slept through it. Today is the teaching lesson at Tai Chi Chih. Kelle wants to go and I’ll ask Chris too. Hollie is in San Francisco for the luxury New Year’s event at the Fairmont.

January senior news

This is the time of year when we plan new activities. One important and often overlooked opportunity is beginning a personal history. From the beginning of time story telling has been part of the human experience. As our ancestors sat around the fire in the cave, they told of hunts, dangers, and discoveries. They shared the stories to bond as a tribe.

As we put away our holiday decorations, memories emerge. My friend Susanne began saving Christmas tree ornaments in 1975. They commemorate the family gatherings and she can remember who was present, an special anecdote, and other noteworthy moments. Each of her children has ornaments chosen for their interests at different ages. Now her granddaughter, Sophia, is included in these dated keepsakes. Celebrations are part of her family lore and deserve to be retold as the family grows with in-laws and grandchildren. The memories and traditions need to be written and preserved.

Another opportunity for beginning a personal history collection is celebrating birthdays. Each of us has a day that is ours to use as we choose. For me, my birthday is my New Year’s celebration. The day before is my review and a chance to note what I want to do again, or a course correction, or simply gratitude for another year of living. On my day, I write hopes and dreams for the new year and think back over all the birthdays that I can remember. One of my friends, Kay, lives her birthday the way she wants to live all the days to come: she is mindful, eats well, exercises, makes contacts with loved ones, and paints her toenails. Other friends have their own ritual celebrations of life. Each person has a perfect opportunity to record their memories from their own pleasure and to share with family and friends.

Wedding anniversaries are personal dates on the calendar. Over the years the celebrations had moments of joy and memories of the first years and the growing families and career changes. Later there are the special years like a Silver or Golden anniversaries with gatherings that include the newer members of the family. Wedding albums are a place to begin writing the stories of a couple’s history as they grow together. There are bound to be other photographs that can go with the stories especially the funny ones. Nothing binds a family together like sharing the stories of the journey through life. Our stories deserve to be documented.