Day 317

Yesterday the center was fun. Lots of laughing and good contacts. Some days it’s a drag so the energy was a delightful change. The new year is starting with positive changes and I want to make it happen often. I know that my attitude has a lot to do with how I perceive the atmosphere. Today, after a quick trip around the floors with the dust mop, I will shop for vegs and fruit. Back to good eating.

Day 316

I’m loving my home! Interesting how small changes in things I already have, have made a cozier and warmer look to the living room. I love the glow from the blossom lamp against the wooden shutters. The configuration of furniture adds to the quality of easy conversation that I have wanted. I’m glad Kelle took the blue rocker. She wanted it for a long time and the space it left changed everything. There is a lesson here.

Day 315

I’m so relieved that the holiday hype is over. I find it abrasive and avoided any store except to run for fresh food. I wish our culture would celebrate more often instead of saving up for one big blast of commercialism. I’d like birthdays to be a big thing. Then there would be special occasions all year long. Maybe we could start a trend. I do enjoy the season changing days, the equinoxes and solstices. It’s my pagan side.

Day 314

More sorting today. I’m on a roll. Kelle’s visit helped me see what needs to be done. Interesting how I can walk by stuff every day and a new person sees what is really there! Should have company more often. I’d keep things simpler. Yesterday I worked in the little yard for a while sweeping and raking what’s left of the leaves. It is much cleaner without the trees and some dead branches need to be whacked off.

Day 313

My ferretin score is higher. It was 7 in August and up to 39 in December.  A long way to restoration. That would be over 100, preferably around 200. So it’s beans, greens, and grains, and protein for a long time to come. I can stick to the food as medicine plan when I see progress. I feel better compared to last summer when I was flat. The walks and enjoyment of the outdoors helps mood and body.

Boyd wrote about his depression and reminded me to tell this story:

I felt a chill and put on a long sleeved shirt.  Still cold, I put on two pairs of socks.  Then I added a sweater, long pants, a sweat shirt, a jacket, an overcoat, a lap robe, and went to bed with extra blankets. I could feel nothing and I could not move.  As I lay there immobile, I worried about everything and everybody I could.  Anxiety grew.  I found it difficult to remember what I was worrying about and it became impossible to communicate and certainly, it was impossible to initiate any solutions.  Little by little, I had limited my world until I could not drive out of town, make plans, or deviate from the well-used pattern of activities.  By turning down social invitations, I essentially cut myself off from friends and fun. I lost and misplaced many items, and checked the calendar a hundred times to be sure I wasn’t forgetting an appointment.

 Then I went for the annual physical exam.  The doctor told me something was wrong with my heart and lungs.  I was huffing and puffing at the tiniest exertion and my pulse was erratic.  Suddenly, I was nothing but a pile of fear and isolation. 

I had enough life force left to call a friend and ask for the telephone number of a therapist.  At the first appointment, the therapist named my condition as post traumatic stress disorder.  It was the result of unresolved grief.  Years of saying “Oh well” and moving on without giving the losses any attention.  Grief does not go away by itself.  It deserves to be cared for and given tools so that it can go into history and not stay in the present. 

There is no point in enumerating my losses.  They are the ordinary misfortunes that are part of the human condition: people, places, things, physical well-being, opportunities, beliefs, and self-confidence.  Our language is full of platitudes about loss.  I was told to “Hang in there”, to “Roll with the punches”, to “Get over it”, to “Move on”.  Unfortunately, this advice had no recipes attached and I was so numb by then that I could not see or hear from under the dozens of layers that I had applied to myself in defense.  Some people are so full of grief that they cannot eat.  I was so empty that I could not get full.  Thirty pounds later, I was aware of trying to get back to wholeness by stuffing myself with food.  The biggest loss was my sense of humor.  I love to laugh and find the funny side to life.  When the tears won’t come, neither will the bellylaughs.  The senses are not selective.  I could not say to myself, “I won’t feel pain” without wiping out the ability to feel joy.  So I chose the gray area with very low highs and very high lows.  It is hard on mind, body, and spirit to live in the neutral zone.  I am so grateful to the part of me that wants to live well, robustly, and vigorously that pushed me into saying out loud that I could not do it by myself.  I needed a hand up, a guide back to a healthy mental outlook, another chance to fully participate in daily living without carrying around a ton of ghosts and goblins on my back. Imagine my delight the first time I had real tears, felt excited, looked for something new to do, and drove by myself out of town.  Life does go on, with a little help from our friends, prayerfully accepting help, and professional guides.

Day 312

Kelle is all packed up and will drive straight through to Long Beach. It has been a good visit and she did get away from her work and family stresses. The house will seem empty without her activity. Today is senior center duty and mammogram. Back to routine and that includes daily walking. I want to take full advantage of this unseasonably warm dry weather. It was a productive start to 2014, the year to make things happen.

Day 311

We did empty and reassemble the shed. I’m glad for her help. She painted the window frames that I’ve been putting off since last summer. Last night was quiet. Usually someone fires off a shotgun and fireworks but if there was noise, I slept through it. Today is the teaching lesson at Tai Chi Chih. Kelle wants to go and I’ll ask Chris too. Hollie is in San Francisco for the luxury New Year’s event at the Fairmont.

January senior news

This is the time of year when we plan new activities. One important and often overlooked opportunity is beginning a personal history. From the beginning of time story telling has been part of the human experience. As our ancestors sat around the fire in the cave, they told of hunts, dangers, and discoveries. They shared the stories to bond as a tribe.

As we put away our holiday decorations, memories emerge. My friend Susanne began saving Christmas tree ornaments in 1975. They commemorate the family gatherings and she can remember who was present, an special anecdote, and other noteworthy moments. Each of her children has ornaments chosen for their interests at different ages. Now her granddaughter, Sophia, is included in these dated keepsakes. Celebrations are part of her family lore and deserve to be retold as the family grows with in-laws and grandchildren. The memories and traditions need to be written and preserved.

Another opportunity for beginning a personal history collection is celebrating birthdays. Each of us has a day that is ours to use as we choose. For me, my birthday is my New Year’s celebration. The day before is my review and a chance to note what I want to do again, or a course correction, or simply gratitude for another year of living. On my day, I write hopes and dreams for the new year and think back over all the birthdays that I can remember. One of my friends, Kay, lives her birthday the way she wants to live all the days to come: she is mindful, eats well, exercises, makes contacts with loved ones, and paints her toenails. Other friends have their own ritual celebrations of life. Each person has a perfect opportunity to record their memories from their own pleasure and to share with family and friends.

Wedding anniversaries are personal dates on the calendar. Over the years the celebrations had moments of joy and memories of the first years and the growing families and career changes. Later there are the special years like a Silver or Golden anniversaries with gatherings that include the newer members of the family. Wedding albums are a place to begin writing the stories of a couple’s history as they grow together. There are bound to be other photographs that can go with the stories especially the funny ones. Nothing binds a family together like sharing the stories of the journey through life. Our stories deserve to be documented.