Day 157

What action words can I do today? Walk, volunteer, clean, weed, smile, hug, connect, enjoy, write, learn, listen, and more that I discover as the day goes along. Yesterday felt full and I like that. There were times with people and times alone. I like the balance of moving and being quiet, talking and listening, planning and enjoying what I have already accomplished. The essay for next week is a hodge-podge of images. I may leave it alone.

Day 156

Breszney says write love to the unloved part. The idea makes me feel vulnerable and visible. I’m good at masking my flaws: the fool who talks too much and too soon, harbors judgments and lacks tolerance. The brash part that acts bolder than she feels, and the one who withholds words and emotions. Here goes: I love you, inappropriate parts, as you push me into learning situations. You give me a map to how I want to be.

Day 155

There are depressed people close to me. What is the answer? For me, getting out and doing something with or for others brings me back to the present. It’s difficult to stay in the moment when the mind whirls around with old tapes and dire predictions. When worry comes in the night, I feel anxious and then I make a plan. Today I’m moving on the fence project and changing TV providers. Both have been waiting for action.

Day 154

I found an oatmeal and cranberry cookie. It was an adventure. Today I’m looking for Grace. I want freedom from old tapes and old images running in my head. Then I will have room in my soul for insights and new beliefs about how I am living my life. Everything I have done or thought has landed me here at this moment. I hear the water fountain, the music, see the orchids and the dogs. I am wealthy.

Day 153

If I were to seek adventure at home today, what would it be? What exciting experience can I create right here? Why do chores pop into my mind before fun things? A walk to the farmers’ market is an adventure and a chore at the same time, and a social experience. Maybe I will find a new interest by visiting the vendors, or see an old friend. Or make a new friend. That can be a wonderful adventure.

Day 152

Chris worked at the church community dinner yesterday. It is something I have avoided. After the sermon on radical hospitality, I had intentions of finding ways to respect who they are under their homeless personas. I’m not there yet. I will think about going to participate next month in case I am emotionally available to go and serve the food. We are all products of our choices and I don’t yet acknowledge my need to respect their choices.

Day 151

The trip and visit were great as was the shopping and lunch. I had tender feelings of family and continuity that don’t happen often. I used to want a big family and all that went with it. Marjorie let me adopt her Grandmother, Aunt Marge and Uncle Ed. I have pleasant memories of feeling included. The next essay for J Street Writers will be about group dynamics. I can’t seem to write anything that isn’t basically an autobiography.

Day 150

A break from routine with a trip to Eureka with Hollie to visit Megan. I enjoy our outings that include shopping and lunch. Too much routine can become boring. The weather is boring, fog, cold. Might as well be January outside. Maybe it’s me that’s boring. What can I do today to break that and emerge interesting? New ideas and new people definitely make a difference. I’ll keep open to newness that is floating around waiting to land.

Day 149

I danced with the broom, sang, and deleted history in the form of making order in the file drawer. Then I completed one summer task by cleaning and sorting in the garden shed. Today I will use Breszney’s permission slip: This document certifies that Sharon is immune to the lust for enlightenment and is exempt from the need to seek enlightenment. Oh boy, does that mean that I don’t have to be nice to people I don’t like?

Day 148

I don’t know what I want to do/be/have today. Open page. Let’s see now, what are the choices. Endless. I could dance around enjoying the music and the morning, or do the laundry. I could go buy a new big chair, or sweep the floors. I could be quiet and meditate on gratitude, or sing tunelessly at the top of my lungs. I could recount my history, or start on a new era. I’ll let me know later.

Day 147

Today is my brother’s birthday. He is 81 years old. I don’t know if he is alive. There has been no communication since the sympathy card years ago when our mother died. We grew separate after our marriages. They moved south and bonded with her family. Oh, I have memories of our unusual childhood, frequent moves, and our dependence on each other for company. He had a career in the fire department and ended as Chief in Modesto.

Day 146

I accomplished the above and today I’m ready for more. First, a walk to the farmer’s market for shopping and socializing. Big deal of the day will be a trip to the blueberry farm. Maybe can save a few berries for the freezer but I will consume a pound of two fresh out of the box! I already shared my plans for the little yard with the trees coming down after the fence is removed. I love progress.

Day 145

Big plans and no energy to get going. Jon came and sprayed natural weed killer. I couldn’t bend down to pull weeds. Today I’ll rake the avocado leaves and take them to Jon’s mulch pile. But first, I need to see how much of the PT exercise I can do. Feeling needy for body work besides walking. The pile of necessary equipment is waiting for use again. I feel so much better when I take care of myself.

Day 144

The row of holly trees is gone! It’s progress. I’ve wanted them cut for a long time. Now I can plan for a new fence along the back. Once that is in I can clean out the ivy and berries and plant a couple of fruit trees. It’s been a mess back there with no help from the neighbors. I want color and order. The trees in the little yard can go. I’ll have a whole new landscape.

Day 143

I had a snit yesterday because of poor service. What I wanted was to go to bed and I couldn’t. I was waiting for the car. I waited until almost closing before I called them. It had been ready for hours and the receptionist had my phone number wrong. I’m in the phone book! I was unfriendly. This morning I feel better after almost 12 hours in bed. But I won’t apologize and I won’t go there again.

Day 142

Today I’m having the car detailed to remove Cody’s hair and scent. The girls are sure he is in there. I took his bed out immediately and washed his favorite rugs. There was a pile of his hair under the bed and I find it now and then. He broke his food dish the day before he went away. Was that an omen? The quality- of- life conversation with his vet was when I let go of him.

Personal essay

Anyone who studies Nature has an understanding of the cycles of life and death. It is profound learning that guides the way we live our lives. Each day can be seen as a lifetime: the birth of the day, its full maturity at noon, its waning power toward evening, and its death at dark. Like seeds waiting underground for Spring, the Sun rests until it must burst forth in the next dawn. A deep connection with Nature fills us with the sense of rightness about beginnings and endings. It’s supposed to be that way. Nothing is intended to last forever but just for its span of potential. Everything on Earth has a birthday, and adulthood, and the inevitable waning of strength. Even mountains fall and rocks become sand.

When Hollie and I watched Cody sleep into the mystery of death, I realized for the hundredth time that we are here to learn to love, lose, and love again. Nothing we love is ever lost from memory. I can still replay Cody and Dido running in the park. My spirit ran with Dido and Cody circled to keep it safe. Cody paid for his herding instinct late in his life with arthritis as Dido paid for her exuberance with an enlarged heart. I miss them. I miss Buddy, my Golden girl, who came at the perfect time for both of us. I was in physical and emotional pain from the injury that cost me my job and she was homeless for an unknown reason. We bonded instantly and for five years, we were companions in a way I had not experienced before.

I feel for my plants when they are done with their reason for being. I give them a good place to recycle themselves for later use.

The day my sons were born in 1955, the doctor and the nurses were talking about a new china pattern with blue flowers. It was impersonal. I was simply a job. As I listened to them, I wanted to say, Hey, you are missing it all. Two human beings are coming out of my body! It is a miracle and much more important than your new dishes. Hollie was born when I was alone and the event was marked forever in my being as the meaning of life. This tiny person came out of my body. It is a miracle. I held her for an hour before her father arrived to find us. In that hour I felt a deep primal sisterhood to all women and a connection to life that was timeless.

In the natural order, I would not have outlived my son. I gave birth to him and watched him grow into a man. He had problems, physically and mentally. He wasn’t able to fulfill his potential. I nurtured as best as I knew how but was not qualified to make a change for him. The last words I said to him, “I love you.” I hope he heard me.

I hope my soul is recyclable too. I value all the opportunities that I have taken, the mistakes that have led to wisdom, the many I have loved and know I was loved, the millions of brain cells that have filled up, been used and filled up again, and my unquenchable thirst for Spiritual connection.

I am not being as graceful about aging as I think I am. Laughing at myself helps when I forget a word or name, or realize I have forgotten something. Then I know that I am in my late Autumn season, nearing Winter and that’s Nature for you!

Day 141

I took a bacon and tomato pasta salad to the church potluck yesterday. Didn’t have any to bring home. A dizzy spell ruined the afternoon and I didn’t get out for a walk with the girls. Today I have errands and shopping. Mundane but necessary. Not everything is earth-shaking and noteworthy. Hollie will be home from her girls weekend and I know they had a blast together. Their once a year get-together is the highlight of their summer.

Jon brought me a water feature. He called it a spittoon. It makes beautiful music.

Day 140

Megan’s confession that she is not taking care of herself and is wallowing in her baggage gave me a jolt. She seemed to be progressing from “stuckness.” I’m guessing that from the outside, I look like I’m doing well too and underneath, not so much. In a dream I heard, “Stay out of your chair.” It felt like an order from above to get busy on living the way I say I want to live. Yet I sit.

Day 139

Barbara sent pages from an old journal. What a treasure! My old journals are full of color, poetry, fun stuff. Currently, my journal is black and white and boring. This may be a time for “fake it till you make it.”  I’ll put magazine pictures, cut outs, anything, to jazz it up again and see if I can find the creative part was fun. I saw Chris’ blog with its color and interesting features. Where have I been?

Day 138

Yesterday was full of people and conversations. That makes a very good day. I like exchanging catch up talk. I don’t like being talked at, especially when it’s an opinion or a victim story that I’m supposed to buy into. I can counter example and change the subject really fast and deftly too. I was yoo-hooed at by a couple in a car and I haven’t the faintest idea who they were. My senior moment or their mistake?

Day 137

Hollie is on her way to “Girls Gone Wild “ with Laurie and Melanie. They have been getting together once a year since Mel and Laurie moved away. Hollie was like a kid on Christmas Eve. Good for them. There is no substitute for real up close and personal time. I want another good long walk when I get home from the senior center. I’ll finish the column for Senior News and get it in before the deadline.

Day 136

Today, after the museum duty, Chris and I go to Carol’s for writing group. I have a partially written essay on life and death that I will share and a reading from Thoreau about living consciously. There are events and feelings that I want to add to the essay. One thing I know is that writing is never finished. No matter how carefully I choose words, I can go back later and think of another thing to add.

Day 135

I went for a long walk with the dogs and that helped. I may be making my own limitations that I can break if I push them. The comfort zone is powerful at this time. Where is my motivation to be as well as possible? Yesterday I wrote about the life cycle of every living being on Earth and the inevitable end of plants and animals. Even rocks eventually erode and make sand. Today I’ll concentrate on living.

Day 134

Spent a lonely Sunday afternoon and didn’t do anything about it. Just sat and stared at TV. There are choices that I could have made that would have connected me to others and I chose to sit. Part of it is a lingering lack of physical energy. My mind is ready to act and has nothing to work with. If this is the way it is, I’d better get busy and figure out how to live well anyway.

Or I could enjoy my orchids. 

Day 133

Father David will be back from his vacation. Maybe we will schedule the lessons in Centering Prayer. I respect and support Mike and Pat for keeping services going when the priest is away. I’m wondering if the church will keep going if we don’t have a priest any longer. It’s a tiny congregation and doesn’t grow. Something to think about. I’m hoping for domestic energy today. I have been limp for too long. I miss my Tigger bounce.

Day 132

Half my hair is gone and it is still full and curly. I told Jana about people saying older women are supposed to have short hair and that prompted me to grow mine long. I guess the rebel is coming out in hair length! I have recovered from the noisy Fourth and museum duty and today I have errands and shopping. The Dachsund girls need a long walk and so do I. Just a home day to enjoy.

Day 131

And it was noisy and fun. It’s a chance to see people that I seem only to see on July 4^th. The pie social ran smoothly and I enjoyed my part in it. Came home tired and happy. Then it was lap time for the dogs that need solace from the booms and bangs of fireworks. Back to normal today. Only items on the agenda are a haircut and pick up the farm box. Maybe a nap.

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Day 130

Norman Rockwell would love Crescent City’s Fourth of July celebration. It’s small town America. The parade begins with the firing of a refurbished cannon shooting out paper and smoke. Old men with their hats over their hearts, little girls with Statue of Liberty crowns, flags everywhere, cheering for the community marching band, the Jed Smith Mountain Men with their black powder rifles and their “squaws” all in full costume. I will serve coffee at the museum’s pie social.

Day 129

After the museum duty this morning, I’ll go to Eileen’s new gallery to sit for her while she goes out on errands. I haven’t seen it yet and am looking forward to her arrangement. Eileen has a way of making a small space seem spacious and easy to navigate. Now that it’s July I can eat a chicken. I bought a local grown and processed six-pounder. It will be succulent from the crock pot when I get home.

Day 128

My sweet handsome Cody is gone. Dr. T. asked Hollie and I to stay while Cody relaxed with the help of medication. He softened, put his head down between his paws and looked like a young dog again. It was a peaceful experience for us too. We kept hands on him until he was deeply asleep. Then we indulged in California burgers and a glass of beer as we had done after cleaning out Kim’s house last year.

Day 127

I’m actually going out of town today! I haven’t been anywhere outside the routine for months. All the way to Brookings to take Cody to Dr. T. He is failing and I don’t want him to become more bewildered about what’s going on in his world. It will be hot today. Last week it poured like November and now it’s hotter than usual. No more normal weather. Hollie and I may go shopping if we feel like it.

July column for Senior News

While taking a vacation at home this summer, take a vacation from “fast.” Our culture seems to celebrate fast and the word is used frequently in all kinds of messages. Not only are we urged to use fast remedies for our ailments, we are supposed to shorten out words so we can speak our sentences fast. We use initials to identify lots of things with acronyms instead of full names. Texting has shortened spelling so we can communicate fast. We can stay in our cars and get our prescriptions fast, our money fast, our coffee fast, our fast food fast, and I’m wondering what to do with all that time I’m saving.

 My vacation at home will be using my shoes more often than my automobile. I am remembering that sitting is the new smoking: it is dangerous to our health. The goal of 10,000 steps a day can be achieved gradually by keeping track of my best days. I will not sit in a line of cars, using unnecessary expensive fuel, breathing exhaust fumes from the car ahead of me, and waiting for a product I could fix for myself at home for less money. I am planning to celebrate “slow.” Making a slow start from a stop sign saves fuel. Slowing down to stop saves fuel too. Making nutritious meals from the fresh foods I can buy after a slow walk around the farmers’ market will be good for my health so that maybe I won’t need the fast relief of advertised medicines.

I can take slow walks around town and poke my nose into shops that I have wanted to visit and haven’t taken the time to do so. I will take long leisurely walks in the park and at the beach using all my senses to take in the beauty that waiting for  slow enjoyment.  I’ll sit down and write real letters on paper to the people I want to keep in touch with personally not just in fast e-mail. I like finding a real letter in my mail box. Makes me smile a nice long slow smile. Hope I can do that for the friends who find me in their mail box. Notes and cards work well too. Just for fun not just for holidays and birthdays when they are expected.

Will you join me in celebrating slow? Think of new ways to use routine days that provide a complete experience, not an abbreviation.