Day 157

What action words can I do today? Walk, volunteer, clean, weed, smile, hug, connect, enjoy, write, learn, listen, and more that I discover as the day goes along. Yesterday felt full and I like that. There were times with people and times alone. I like the balance of moving and being quiet, talking and listening, planning and enjoying what I have already accomplished. The essay for next week is a hodge-podge of images. I may leave it alone.

Day 156

Breszney says write love to the unloved part. The idea makes me feel vulnerable and visible. I’m good at masking my flaws: the fool who talks too much and too soon, harbors judgments and lacks tolerance. The brash part that acts bolder than she feels, and the one who withholds words and emotions. Here goes: I love you, inappropriate parts, as you push me into learning situations. You give me a map to how I want to be.

Day 155

There are depressed people close to me. What is the answer? For me, getting out and doing something with or for others brings me back to the present. It’s difficult to stay in the moment when the mind whirls around with old tapes and dire predictions. When worry comes in the night, I feel anxious and then I make a plan. Today I’m moving on the fence project and changing TV providers. Both have been waiting for action.

Day 154

I found an oatmeal and cranberry cookie. It was an adventure. Today I’m looking for Grace. I want freedom from old tapes and old images running in my head. Then I will have room in my soul for insights and new beliefs about how I am living my life. Everything I have done or thought has landed me here at this moment. I hear the water fountain, the music, see the orchids and the dogs. I am wealthy.

Day 153

If I were to seek adventure at home today, what would it be? What exciting experience can I create right here? Why do chores pop into my mind before fun things? A walk to the farmers’ market is an adventure and a chore at the same time, and a social experience. Maybe I will find a new interest by visiting the vendors, or see an old friend. Or make a new friend. That can be a wonderful adventure.

Day 152

Chris worked at the church community dinner yesterday. It is something I have avoided. After the sermon on radical hospitality, I had intentions of finding ways to respect who they are under their homeless personas. I’m not there yet. I will think about going to participate next month in case I am emotionally available to go and serve the food. We are all products of our choices and I don’t yet acknowledge my need to respect their choices.

Day 151

The trip and visit were great as was the shopping and lunch. I had tender feelings of family and continuity that don’t happen often. I used to want a big family and all that went with it. Marjorie let me adopt her Grandmother, Aunt Marge and Uncle Ed. I have pleasant memories of feeling included. The next essay for J Street Writers will be about group dynamics. I can’t seem to write anything that isn’t basically an autobiography.